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Submitted on
November 18, 2012
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4,600 words approximate.

So this is what happened to "Science of Icebergs."

CRITIQUES PRETTY PLEASE AND THANK YOU?
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-20
A Little Bit Ruined by *linaket is warm and cold all at once, mixing dark feelings of loneliness with a hopeful sense of being. ( Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Nov 23, 2012   Writer

I liked this a lot but I really do think there needs to be a gentler transition into the flash-back. I especially like the section about the burrito. Well done!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Yeah, the transition to the flashback and out of it is really wonky because that was written before the full story :blush: Still trying to work out the kinks there. Thank you for reading :heart:
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Dec 1, 2012   Writer

No problem!
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Nov 22, 2012  Student Writer
I was glad to feature this, and originally had The Science of Icebergs lined up to be featured earlier but I pushed it back several times. I'm glad I did, the day before it was to be a DD, you submit this and I saw how much of an improvement was made. There are still some areas that could do with some work. As one commenter pointed out, you started a good portion of your sentences very similarly, and it is an easy fix. Does it detract from the story? I don't think so. If anything stood out to me as needing the most improvement it would be the hotline operator, I'm not sure if you have had experience with them, but they have experience with those types of situations. I would reconsider how that part of the story plays out if you are to rewrite it in the future. However, the rest of the dialogue throughout was fantastic, and really pulled the story together.

Keep writing,
Nic :heart:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Nov 26, 2012   Writer
I wanted to go thank you on your page, but I will thank you here! It was such an honor to be featured, and my first DD! I had pretty much accepted that I wasn't one of those people that get those, so thank you so much :heart:

I'm glad you waited for this, too, and I almost didn't post it :XD: I wasn't able to edit this as much as I like, and the trouble I always have with first person is trying to switch up the start of my sentences so I'm really going to comb through it now and try to work that out. The thing with the hotline operator... I actually called my local one as research and it was pretty uneventful. I actually made this character more sympathetic that the person I talked to... but then again, it could just be regional differences. About halfway through the conversation I kind of panicked and just banged out an ending for it, so I'm definitely going to revisit that area.

Thanks again for the feature and the comment, it meant a lot to me :heart:
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Nov 27, 2012  Student Writer
=) Am glad you appreciate it!
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:icongricken:
Gricken Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This was a wonderful read, Lina. :happybounce: A DD well-deserved!
The characters. The details. The everything. I loved all of it!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Thank you, you gorgeous, gorgeous gricken :la:
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:icontaylrock:
taylrock Nov 20, 2012  Student Artist
A well done DD
There is so much to this story and the things you typed provided so much detailed imagery

Thank you
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Nov 26, 2012   Writer
No, thank you for reading and commenting :heart: I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
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