I was glad to feature this, and originally had The Science of Icebergs lined up to be featured earlier but I pushed it back several times. I'm glad I did, the day before it was to be a DD, you submit this and I saw how much of an improvement was made. There are still some areas that could do with some work. As one commenter pointed out, you started a good portion of your sentences very similarly, and it is an easy fix. Does it detract from the story? I don't think so. If anything stood out to me as needing the most improvement it would be the hotline operator, I'm not sure if you have had experience with them, but they have experience with those types of situations. I would reconsider how that part of the story plays out if you are to rewrite it in the future. However, the rest of the dialogue throughout was fantastic, and really pulled the story together.
I wanted to go thank you on your page, but I will thank you here! It was such an honor to be featured, and my first DD! I had pretty much accepted that I wasn't one of those people that get those, so thank you so much
I'm glad you waited for this, too, and I almost didn't post it I wasn't able to edit this as much as I like, and the trouble I always have with first person is trying to switch up the start of my sentences so I'm really going to comb through it now and try to work that out. The thing with the hotline operator... I actually called my local one as research and it was pretty uneventful. I actually made this character more sympathetic that the person I talked to... but then again, it could just be regional differences. About halfway through the conversation I kind of panicked and just banged out an ending for it, so I'm definitely going to revisit that area.
Thanks again for the feature and the comment, it meant a lot to me