ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
linaket has limited the viewing of this artwork to members of the DeviantArt community only.
You can log in or become a member for FREE.
Deviation Actions
Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
November 20, 2012
A Little Bit Ruined by *linaket is warm and cold all at once, mixing dark feelings of loneliness with a hopeful sense of being.
Featured by Nichrysalis
Literature
Little Eggs
One green morning, our fat little faces
Look out the kitchen window and
Find a robin and her nest on our windowsill.
She carries baubles and trinkets—candy
Wrappers and foil—before her vivacious
Red breast and weaves them tenderly into her nest.
My mother, laughing, says
She’s dizzy with anticipation, painting ponies
And clouds on nursery walls.
Soon enough little blue eggs fill
The happy twigs and their gaudy trappings
And the robin settles—snug, waiting.
We, too, wait for spring miracles on the
Windowsill. Weeks pass—she sits faithful—but
Eggs remain eggs.
Mother gets an odd pallor and avoids the
Literature
for unseeing eyes
laden with sky
we stumbled
and painted mockingbirds
on loveless branches
folding in our slender limbs
and ducking under our own
voices, fidgety and frail
against the wall of night.
between the dipping blades
and drawn shoulders
we learned to craft our words
steady-soft,
a drumming rain
that carved canyons
in open hearts and
drew the sunshine to
our supping lips.
keen-eyed, we watched
remembering the weight
of unseeing eyes
and scalding remarks
and we learned to slip
the noose-knots and slide
through the soul-cracks
and somehow
build kingdoms under
upturned noses.
with lyrical uncertainty
and tender determinat
Literature
October Eyes
Such gentle colors drip across your freckled shoulder blades.
A quilt of puddled watercolors soaked in auburn shades.
Spun of golden rivulets and rinsed in autumn skies,
So many endless currents swimming through your lonesome eyes.
Brushing under fingertips and over shattered songs,
Unraveling like morning glaze against my paling palms.
With beauty like October hills and hollow as the skies,
The water drops against the earth will be our lullaby.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
4,600 words approximate.
So this is what happened to "Science of Icebergs."
CRITIQUES PRETTY PLEASE AND THANK YOU?
So this is what happened to "Science of Icebergs."
CRITIQUES PRETTY PLEASE AND THANK YOU?
© 2012 - 2024 linaket
Comments61
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
The first thing that was clear to me as I began reading this story was that this is either something you hold close to your heart, or something which you've worked very hard to be able to convince readers like me that you hold close to your heart. Either way, that earns points with me for originality. Regardless of whether you've told a story about a girl living a life we're all fairly acquainted with or you've invented a half lion, half shark type creature that terrorizes the coastal village of sorcerers somewhere in eastern Africa, all originality means is that it originated from you. I have been led to believe that.
I love your technique when concerning both grammar and your methods of describing events. You have a wonderfully clean and direct sense of what is going on around your character. It is often difficult to judge the way a writer describes their characters surroundings. It is understandable for a reader to want to know as much as a film would provide them, but we also know as writers if they meet us half way with their own imaginations, they will create something in their own minds far more satisfying than we could ever provide for them. I did not enjoy the paragraph structure. Although it is a minor detail and has nothing to do with the story, it does affect how the reader perceives it.
How did this work impact me as the reader? Within the opening and what shortly followed, I could instantly feel a personal connection with the main character. We share remotely similar circumstances. I was her's to be enchanted by from the get-go. Her struggle was not for affirmation or attention. It was for some form of kinetic energy to burst through her life and tear away the mold that had been growing. In the end, she got off her ass and did it herself. Her triumph over her own pains and fears was a feeling I could hear the echos of. I quite enjoyed the sound.