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4,600 words approximate.

So this is what happened to "Science of Icebergs."

CRITIQUES PRETTY PLEASE AND THANK YOU?
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-20
A Little Bit Ruined by *linaket is warm and cold all at once, mixing dark feelings of loneliness with a hopeful sense of being. ( Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012   Writer

I liked this a lot but I really do think there needs to be a gentler transition into the flash-back. I especially like the section about the burrito. Well done!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Yeah, the transition to the flashback and out of it is really wonky because that was written before the full story :blush: Still trying to work out the kinks there. Thank you for reading :heart:
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012   Writer

No problem!
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was glad to feature this, and originally had The Science of Icebergs lined up to be featured earlier but I pushed it back several times. I'm glad I did, the day before it was to be a DD, you submit this and I saw how much of an improvement was made. There are still some areas that could do with some work. As one commenter pointed out, you started a good portion of your sentences very similarly, and it is an easy fix. Does it detract from the story? I don't think so. If anything stood out to me as needing the most improvement it would be the hotline operator, I'm not sure if you have had experience with them, but they have experience with those types of situations. I would reconsider how that part of the story plays out if you are to rewrite it in the future. However, the rest of the dialogue throughout was fantastic, and really pulled the story together.

Keep writing,
Nic :heart:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
I wanted to go thank you on your page, but I will thank you here! It was such an honor to be featured, and my first DD! I had pretty much accepted that I wasn't one of those people that get those, so thank you so much :heart:

I'm glad you waited for this, too, and I almost didn't post it :XD: I wasn't able to edit this as much as I like, and the trouble I always have with first person is trying to switch up the start of my sentences so I'm really going to comb through it now and try to work that out. The thing with the hotline operator... I actually called my local one as research and it was pretty uneventful. I actually made this character more sympathetic that the person I talked to... but then again, it could just be regional differences. About halfway through the conversation I kind of panicked and just banged out an ending for it, so I'm definitely going to revisit that area.

Thanks again for the feature and the comment, it meant a lot to me :heart:
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
=) Am glad you appreciate it!
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:icongricken:
Gricken Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This was a wonderful read, Lina. :happybounce: A DD well-deserved!
The characters. The details. The everything. I loved all of it!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Thank you, you gorgeous, gorgeous gricken :la:
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:icontaylrock:
taylrock Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Artist
A well done DD
There is so much to this story and the things you typed provided so much detailed imagery

Thank you
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
No, thank you for reading and commenting :heart: I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
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:iconthestoragegnome:
TheStorageGnome Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
CONGRATS ON THE DLD MY BEAN! :highfive: Love it.
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:icongricken:
Gricken Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's a DD, not a DLD. :iconshifty-eyesplz: You're embarrassing yourself, Gnomey.
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:iconthestoragegnome:
TheStorageGnome Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
I meant DD! :iconwhutplz:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
it's ok Gnomey, it was the intent that mattered :pat:

And thank yooou! :squee:
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:iconthestoragegnome:
TheStorageGnome Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
:iconshaplz:
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:icongricken:
Gricken Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure you did. :unimpressed:
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:iconthestoragegnome:
TheStorageGnome Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
:iconidislikeitplz: Ah diiiiid!
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:iconsketch-zap:
Sketch-Zap Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'd write a lengthy and approving couple of paragraphs for you if I could- I have a big test tomorrow though, so I can't exactly do that at the moment. But I'll still praise your little story in these sentences. You wrote very well, with great detail and good mood. And nice ending too, I liked it a lot.
Keep writing!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Thank you for the comment, it means a lot :heart:
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:iconsketch-zap:
Sketch-Zap Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yeah, definitely!
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:iconminecraftbob:
minecraftbob Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
..............................................................................................................................................................................i am out of words...................................................................................................
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
:heart: thank you!
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:iconanimesuperherogeek:
animesuperherogeek Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
i love this

nice tone,the details are BEAUTIFUL

what else can i say

you totally deserve the DD

congrats
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much for the congratulations, its much appreciated :D
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"Microwave minutes were always so much longer than regular minutes." Nice. B-)

This is a common scenario you've detailed here...yet because this sort of life is common, folks miss the profound in it. The emptiness she feels is exquisitely real and haunting, I know. I'm there my self most days.

Congrats on your DD, Lina!!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Haha, the microwave minutes thing seems to be a favourite part of everyone! :D Thank you for the comment and the congrats :heart:
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012   Writer
First of all let me say that I do like this story in general; I like the tone of it, and the details, and smoking/drinking/calling a suicide hotline in total darkness. I like the way that entire scene is described. The details are amazing.

I can't give a full critique, because: there's one thing that you do in here that bothers me a lot, and you do it so often that if I pointed out every instance, this comment would turn out horribly unbalanced. So I'm not even going to bother going through this again and pointing out every detail that I liked or disliked or could be better. Instead, I'm just going to tell you what that one thing is that bothers me so much:

There's a certain sentence structure that you use quite often: "[verb]ing [object], [subject] [rest of the sentence]." I have three problems with this.

First (and most importantly): Many of the times that you use this structure, you use it incorrectly. The verb must always go with the subject. "Crossing my legs, I balance the book across my knees and begin to flip through the photographs" is all right; "Opening the refrigerator, a wine cooler and a packet of cheese slices greet me" absolutely isn't, because it's not the wine cooler (and packet of cheese slices) that are opening the refrigerator. It's you.

Second (and least importantly): Even when it's used correctly, I'm personally not a fan of this sentence structure at all. It's partly that I've seen it misused so often that I automatically prepare myself to cringe when a sentence starts this way, and partly that it draws a lot of attention to what's happening in the first part of the sentence, which in most cases isn't actually important. This is a matter of personal preference, though, and it doesn't mean you're in the wrong.

Third, and of middle importance: Even if I completely disregard my personal dislike for it, I really do feel that you're overusing this sentence structure. It's especially noticeable in this paragraph:

Turning on my heel, I head back to the break room, tearing at the knot at my back. Pushing open the doors, I yank off the apron and hang it on the hook with the others. Without stopping, I grab my keys and phone from my locker, slamming it shut in my haste.

Same sentence structure three times in a row; nothing different in the entire paragraph. The lack of variety makes that paragraph read as very choppy. That's an extreme example, but I do feel that you're using it too much overall.

I'm going to leave it at that; but before I end this comment, I want to go back to the opening scene again, and mention again how much I like the way you implemented details (I keep coming back to the sock, in particular). You were able to show us quite a lot about the narrator's life with just the way she interacts with her home. Well done. :)
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:iconfallacy-bunny:
fallacy-bunny Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
Considering my hellish night/day, this was enough to make me smile and get ready to slip my red lead off.
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Haha, I hope you did! :heart: Thank you for the comment!
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:icondedizenoflight:
dedizenoflight Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU

THIS

THIS

*THIS*

I CANNOT EVEN

:iconflailplz:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Haha, thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
:iconasdfplz:

LINA LOOK YOU GOT A FREAKING DD ON THIS Aw;kld;qw;lwld YESSSSSSSSS
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
I KNOW :iconcannotevenplz:
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:iconeevee1999:
Eevee1999 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Writer
Holy cow! This is... beautiful! Congratulations on the DD!
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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:iconeevee1999:
Eevee1999 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Writer
It's beautiful! Who wouldn't enjoy it?
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
there will always be haters :D
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:iconthedorsai:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This piece emptied me out and left me hollow and silent. But...not sad. Creative. It left me feeling creative. Thank you.

"...I hissed as it burned [[my]] fingers..."

"...The bump causes several of the books to topple off and when I release the door[[,]] one gets shoved in the jamb..."

"...watch her as she pays, smiling [[at]] the new cashier as he gives ..."
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012   General Artist
Congratulations on the greatly deserved DD, lovely! :squee:
This piece is truly gorgeous:heart:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Aww, thank you beautiful :heart:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   General Artist
You are most welcome, doll :heart:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
OMG LINA. YOU ARE SUPA. THIS IS SUPA. AND LOOK WHAT YOU GOT, YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU. :iconcannotevenplz:
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012   Writer
:iconcannotevenplz: I KNOW. I GOT TO SCHOOL. AND WAS FEELING LIKE A FLAILY FAILURE. AND THERE IT WAS. AND I CANNOT EVEN.
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
Dude, that guy down there called you a beautiful creature. What a freak.
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012   Writer
I know. They sound like no one that I know at all.
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :heart:
Have a nice day! : )
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:iconlinaket:
linaket Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Thank you very much :D
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm. It's hard to pick out what to critique because I'm not completely sure where you wanted to take this. Overall I think you've figured out the style you want: the narrator's disconnect is clear without it being rubbed in everyone's faces, I don't feel like you need more exposition about why her family wouldn't immediately call her because the flashback makes it clear (and why the helping verbs? Since it's present tense you don't need those so much; I think they slow the already carefully paced scenes down even more), and the ending completed the story. So basically, you know how to write. ;p

What I think is missing here is a clear sense of thematic progression. The narrator has obviously figured out what to do next, or at least what to stop doing, but there's no sense of anything resolving, just the sense that she's moving on. I was intrigued that we never find her real name and couldn't tell if that was set up since the only names we actually get are Joanna and the absent Marley, but maybe that's another concept to explore.
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:iconjuniorel:
juniorel Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012   Writer
I think I've said this to you before, but honestly, you have a way with little details. I can't explain it exactly, but you always manage to put me there, wherever there is. You use all the senses. You build a scene one little detail at a time, and it's always rich and full when you're done.

I saw you were missing a word in "smiling the new cashier," and thought I'd point that out quickly. But overall, this feels like one of the pieces I would be reading in a literary magazine for a college course. I loved the feel of it, and it was never dull, even though it wasn't a high-octane story. There's something familiar about it. It feels right. Anyway, I love it.
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